Marriage Adjustment Period

[Siraaj]

I remember when I first was married, EVERYTHING was great the first month or so, but after that, there was an adjustment period between my wife and I. I remember our first argument very vividly - we were discussing whether our daughter (who had not yet even been conceived) would wear hijaab and jilbaab starting at age 5 or not.

I was of the opinion that should start right away so that she would get used to it, and I made my case passionately. My wife also made her case - she cried (because I was belligerent).

Score +1 wife. She won that one. After that, it took some time adjusting to communicating in a way that wouldn't upset her. It also took her a while to realize all my insensitivities of her feelings were unintentional and had absolutely nothing to do with not caring for her.

In the end, I would say it took us about 2 years to really adjust and settle down and really understand one another. What about the rest of the married folks - how long does it take? How about for divorced folks who re-marry? Does it take as much time as the first, or does marriage help you fast track that issue?

Siraaj

[Olivia]

(04-01-2009 05:40 PM)Siraaj Wrote:  I remember when I first was married, EVERYTHING was great the first month or so, but after that, there was an adjustment period between my wife and I. I remember our first argument very vividly - we were discussing whether our daughter (who had not yet even been conceived) would wear hijaab and jilbaab starting at age 5 or not.

I was of the opinion that should start right away so that she would get used to it, and I made my case passionately. My wife also made her case - she cried (because I was belligerent).

Score +1 wife. She won that one. After that, it took some time adjusting to communicating in a way that wouldn't upset her. It also took her a while to realize all my insensitivities of her feelings were unintentional and had absolutely nothing to do with not caring for her.

In the end, I would say it took us about 2 years to really adjust and settle down and really understand one another. What about the rest of the married folks - how long does it take? How about for divorced folks who re-marry? Does it take as much time as the first, or does marriage help you fast track that issue?

Siraaj

ah yes, i remember that argument well =)

i don't know if i could really put a figure of two years on it--was it really that long? we had our first child after a little over a year of marriage. i think the period of us adjusting to one another had some overlap with our adjustment to having a child.

that brings me to my next point which is that there is an adjustment that takes place between husband and wife after having there first child. i felt that adjusting to parenthood took about 1 to 1.5 years.

i've heard several shuyookh say that most marriages either make it or break it after the first child. having a child changes the dynamic in the home immediately and brings out people's "true colors" during that first year or so. especially for women, they can feel high-strung or worn-out while caring for a newborn and still maintaining their role as wife. i wouldn't encourage people to wait to have kids though if they want to. i would think that waiting too long and then having a child would bring about it's own challenges.

anyways, i do think men and women are often suprised about communication after marriage. even though we've all grown up around the opposite gender if the form of parents and siblings, you don't understand the subtlies of male-female communication until marriage! especially in the beginning, men tend to think that women are hurt too easily by "how" they talk, and women are suprised out how "cold" or "unfeeling" men seem to be at times! both sides learn that they are usually gender differences that are being overblown in their minds, but also men tend to learn to how to "talk" women and women learn to toughen up a bit.

[LotaEnterprises]

you're newlywed until you have a kid is the way i see it. adjustment for marriage i dont think is that hard (compared to having a kid). but i think it does take an argument or 2 to get out of newlywed fantasy land to start adjusting

[HollyGO]

Oh I cried in our first argument as well, it took a few months though.

I honestly believe it takes as long as two years or more to adjust to a person.

Another thing is MANY things should remain private, because sharing a dissagreement w a loved one will only cause them to dislike the "partner" and cause problems when the couple gets along.

[AnonyMouse]

As-salaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,

Mine's probably a very different experience, since it's been about a year since I had my nikaah but we're still not even in the same country yet.

I dunno, I never expected anything to be fairy-tale like... my 'adjusting' had to do more with
1) getting used to speaking to a dude on the phone for long periods of time without barking out yes and no answers and
2) realizing that the life vision I've had for myself (I'm a dreamer and a planner - have lots of the details worked out already) is not neccessarily exactly what my husband had/ has in mind for us.

The arguments didn't pop any fantasy bubble for me... I knew they'd come along... mostly because I'm an argumentative person. But maybe it's different when you're actually living with the person and getting used to being around them all the time, sharing ideas, and come to realize that somehow or another you have to deal with living with someone whom you disagree with on various matters.

[Siraaj]

(04-08-2009 02:50 PM)AnonyMouse Wrote:  As-salaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,

Mine's probably a very different experience, since it's been about a year since I had my nikaah but we're still not even in the same country yet.

I dunno, I never expected anything to be fairy-tale like... my 'adjusting' had to do more with
1) getting used to speaking to a dude on the phone for long periods of time without barking out yes and no answers and
2) realizing that the life vision I've had for myself (I'm a dreamer and a planner - have lots of the details worked out already) is not neccessarily exactly what my husband had/ has in mind for us.

The arguments didn't pop any fantasy bubble for me... I knew they'd come along... mostly because I'm an argumentative person. But maybe it's different when you're actually living with the person and getting used to being around them all the time, sharing ideas, and come to realize that somehow or another you have to deal with living with someone whom you disagree with on various matters.

I think for myself, my goals adjusted with my situation. My dream was to go overseas and study under a certain shaykh, but that was not meant to be (at this time), so I adjusted and found new goals to fit my current reality, and I'm on that path now, alhamdulillaah.

Adjustment is an interesting thing. Marriage is a great area to either learn patience or lose it - the choice is up to the individual. I actually keep my expectations limited to only one or two areas and welcome all other matters as a bonus. The less the expectations you have (over and beyond what is normal, like not being crazy, and so on), I think the happier one is because very little can disappoint. Wallaahu a'lam.

Siraaj

[LotaEnterprises]

(04-09-2009 02:16 PM)Siraaj Wrote:  I think for myself, my goals adjusted with my situation. My dream was to go overseas and study under a certain shaykh, but that was not meant to be (at this time), so I adjusted and found new goals to fit my current reality, and I'm on that path now, alhamdulillaah.

Adjustment is an interesting thing. Marriage is a great area to either learn patience or lose it - the choice is up to the individual. I actually keep my expectations limited to only one or two areas and welcome all other matters as a bonus. The less the expectations you have (over and beyond what is normal, like not being crazy, and so on), I think the happier one is because very little can disappoint. Wallaahu a'lam.

i believe this is actually a strong argument for marrying early. i believe the earlier you get married, the more flexible you both are in adjusting to each other. i see how much more set i am in my ways now than a few years back, and i think it would be much more difficult to adjust to marriage at this stage then it was when i got married (alhamdulillah).